disguise I've got to fold because these hands are just too shaky to hold

@nne

Looksee. It's anne. She made a website. Then people got made because it was too, erhm, public I guess. I don't see where they could have fathomed that idea. But if you're here right now it is because you are a *trusted* friend, and if you somehow managed to crack my code without asking permission then i probably HATE YOU, so go away please. Everyone else is welcome to enjoy.

By the way. Everything I write here is slander. Possibly none of it is true, because as I am trying to be honest, I may not honestly know what's up. The writing on this page is from a thing that goes ba-boom inside my chest, and nowhere else. Don't form your opinions of people here, that's stupid. This page wasn't meant for that. It was meant to keep me sane. It didn't work out tho.

These are my daily hits:

Pitas.com
my real website
ericka's pitas site
Dandy Andy's Web Page
brando's palace of crap
stop starvation
old stuff

Keegan is my new hero.

Sunday, March 5, 2000 12:25 a.m.

I think i must be messed up in the head. That page is going to entertain me to NO END. I love it already.

<------- You'll also notice that BRANDON now has a lovely website. That's right exciting. Especially his poetry. He's really good. Although some people might be jealous.

Anyway. Today, er yesterday technically I had a semi-good day. I woke up too early to see my dad off to the airport and the way we said goodbye was really sweet--he held his hand up to my car window and I put it on his. I know it sounds stupid but i thought it was sweeter than a hug. Oh well. I'm weird.

Then I came home and felt bad and couldn't go back to sleep so I talked to my mom for awhile and then cried and then watched breakast at tiffany's and thought about actually having, breakfast at tiffany's. I can. if i want to. heh. seattle is great.

I watched that and then I tried to see if anna could go out to coffee but she couldn't but then rachel called and said she would and then I cleaned my room a bit and then she came over and we went to diva and I talked to her for a flipping really long time. And its funny, Rachel, made ME feel like i'm not insane. It was wonderful.

Then we drove randomly for a bit (oh i had a bit of trouble getting out of the diva parking lot... whoops). We decided we wanted to go to the park and realized we were right by graham's house so we went to pick him up. So we ran off to Salmon Bay but there were too many kids there so we went to loyal hieghts instead. We played on the tire swing, the regular swings, the slide (well just graham) and the seesaw. We had tons o fun.

Then we went to beth's and got food and we worked on the grant for uncool. it comes out to being a little over $1200. not so bad.

And after all that, anna came over, we went to the ave, got invited to a keg, bought a cd, and left the ave in 10 minutes. We had to drag Rae away from david bowie tho.

Then we drove home to rachels house along lakeside way or lake WA boulevard or some nice street on lake washington and looked at the pretty lights and danced to disco (it's STAR 101.5 disco nite! yess!). Dropped rae off, anna and I came back home and ate ice cream.

Mom and I watched no-wto propoganda that wasn't very good and then she feel asleep so i got online. how many hours ago? 2? 3? Can't remember. Will soon. Don't worry. I'll be fine.

Ta ta for now.

Saturday, March 4, 2000 11:01 a.m.

It comes every year. Like clockwork. Like it’s a festival. Time to lose a friend. It’s always when I’m working on a zine too. Why? WHY? I don’t know.

I am so sad right now. I wish I could be mad. Then I would feel like it was fair. Broken, but clean. But I feel like it was so fast, it was nothing. Was it something? I have all these questions left in my head. I just keep thinking this is it. The end. And I try to sprawl.

If I was sorry it would be easier too. But I’m not. At all. I don’t think what I did was anything. I don’t understand people. I try and I try and I try and I never have given up but once a year my heart gets broken and try too much and then they give up on me. No matter how much I’ve tried for them. I don’t even know her. She knows me though.

She is an amazing girl. Talented caring nice amazing. She always made me feel so good every day. Her words meant more to me than a lot of other things.

Take care of her. Take care of yourself. Don’t let her get hurt any more than she is. If she’s hurt by me, don’t let her get near me. Just remember that the more you run you may only be running into yourself.

As Usual

Friday, March 3, 2000 11:24 p.m.

I don't like it how I think of her and I think of that poem. I'm so sad right now because I'm angry. I'm really doubtful. I'm saying I'm never going to trust myself again. Along with people. No, no more trust sounds like a good thing. I'll keep my mouth and my mind and MY HEART all to myself. Thank you.

Friday, March 3, 2000 08:44 p.m.

When am I going to learn?

I’m not feeling very good right now. My grandma is dying. My dad is walking past me with the suitcase that he is packing. They think she has bladder cancer.

I feel very alone right now. I feel very old. I feel like I’m a bad person, but I shouldn’t. I know that. Fuck me for saying how I felt, for being honest. For crying all day yesterday. Yeah I’m wrong. Glad to fucking know you’re safe. Glad I remind you of your parents. That really makes me feel great. Sorry I care about you. I think it’s too much for you.

No one else should understand that.

I’m sorry to those of you who may have been offended by what I wrote about them on Wednesday. I didn’t mean that you were shallow and brainless. I meant that you were er, normal? Normal isn’t the right word either. You’re just right. You’re simple to deal with. You’re so in control I don’t have to deal with you. You deal with yourselves. This isn’t to say that other people aren’t or don’t—just. Argh. Please understand. You make me happy. That’s what I mean.

I’m so glad I slept all day today. Oh Tegan I’m going to need an extension on the all things green article. Things have been a little crazy lately.

I need some starbucks ice cream right now. And why is no one online? It’s Friday night for goodness sakes! ;)

Wednesday, March 1, 2000 11:40 p.m.

FUCK.

Too bad I can't explain.

I had a good day today. I went to school, I had no homework, I went to B&O, a girl tried to fucking smoke in my car. "smoke out" my car was the term she used. Not only did she want to smoke a cigarrette, she wanted to smoke pot too. OH NO I WOULDN'T MIND THAT. Not at all. And not after the day i'd had. NOT THAT I WOULD ANYWAY. This girl also happens to be a moron. She's doing these drugs just to make her cooler. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. AND this was right before we were supposed to TUTOR elemenary school kids! What the...?! Morals? None. Nope. Sorry.

Then I came home and I found out that kristi invited me to her dc party. WOO HOO! It was actually quite fun. I kinda half-moaned through the show but then I found out about my friends' slacker qualities and we watched the gore/bradley debate like complete dorks. It was SO MUCH FUN.

With them, I don't have to deal. With them, it's like a tv show. They have "relationship" problems. It's great. I love it. They're so easily fixed and I know what to say. With most of my friends, I don't. They scare the shit out of me. Every day. I wonder who's life is on the line today? And I cry about them. And I worry. With these new folks, "oh I wonder if so and so is talking to so and so again after this rumor thing that happened like yesterday but it's all over now so so and so can be happy again." It's so much easier that way.

Oh by the way. In a recent study, it showed that 80% of highschool students in a particular district (the book is upstairs, et je ne voudrais pas a marche pour reciver ca.) belived that IT WAS ACCEPTABLE FOR A MAN TO FORCE SEX ON HIS PARTNER IF THEY WERE MARRIED.

One word: NO!!!!!!!!!!!! This is wrong! The world is coming to an end. I swear. I Could NOT believe that statistic. And worse yet, I do. All the statistics were horrifying, but that number is just TOO HUGE for words. NO. NEVER EVER is it ok for a man (or a woman) to force sex unto another person or being. NO. NO NO NO NO NO.

And my fear of men grows stonger by the second.

Tuesday, February 29, 2000 10:32 p.m.

Wow. inspired is me. To write, draw, create, and FUCK HIGHSCHOOL!! WOO HOO! I'm going to do it. I'm going to take over every school in the country. I'm going to get $1,000 and put my face all over walls in schools everywhere. I can't wait. This will RULE.

Haha. I told rosie to run away today. Probably not the smoothest move in the world but it MAKES HER HAPPY. This is where I've gotten in trouble before. But doesn't everyone deserve the persuit of Happiness? Oh wait a sec, this is AMERICA... ha ha I forgot.

I am happy right now. I don't even need cheesecake. i need to start working on this grant tho. I have to find out estimates on copies, postage, laminators/the case things they go in, lots of stuff like that. I want to stop this "school" crap as soon as possible.

Oh I'm excited. Couldn't tell could you?

I don't know what to say. There are boys around that like me more than I would like. Please don't. I only like you this much. Just because I'm a girl it does not make me easy. Thank you.

FOR ROSIE'S EYES ONLY

Monday, February 28, 2000 07:27 p.m.

Ok So here I am two days later. I actually did work on this page quite a bit (as you can see) yesterday but my dad came down and started fussing about so I couldn't actually write cos we had to work on perfecting the javascript.

I had a pretty short weekend. On Saturday anna came over at 2:00 (after I woke up) and she made copies of my homework, (she wasn't cheating, she lost hers), and she took me to the coffee stand which of course made me happy. And we talked to Rachel for awhile... Oh rachel I need to call rachel... She needs to know this password, eh? Anywho so that's pretty much all I did on saturday. I went on the intronet and talked to Dan a whole freaking bunch. As usual.

On sunday I watched the wizard of oz and did homework. Wooooohoooooo.

Today wasn't much of a day either. I went to school and hated it like usual and the only class with really redeeming qualities (history) is of course the hardest which I of course do not like. And I lied to Mrs. Congdon today and that was fun.

Really nothing interesting has been going on. I've been sleeping in a sea of uncertainty. I've been really paranoid lately (did ja notice?) and it's been getting to me. I think I'm going to make myself some coffee now.

Saturday, February 26, 2000 02:14 a.m.

It's been a loooooong day baybee. I wish I could say I had a GRAND OL' TIME at birthday parties but I've come to the realization that I only like my friends when there one on one, or i'm with a maximum of two other people. So fifteen is like major cooties for me.

I remember there was a time when I had friends and we did stuff like play board games and go to movies and walking to the minimart was. All of it was fun. We would call the radio stations and wait until they actually played the song we requested. We would write fan mail. We played. We had fun.

It wasn't very long ago either. Two years? And now saying all that stuff is a joke. Nothing simple can be fun anymore. We have so much in a big city here, why do we waste it?

I really liked the laser show tonite. I really hated the time I wasted sitting around waiting for my friends before it. I'm glad I was walking rose to her dad so I had something to do. Cos dammit. There's so much to do. Everything is so pretty and gorgeous and why waste it? I feel like it's wasting time, and money. Because affter you'vew wasted my time you're done. It's over. It's nothing. SO why?

Why why why why why?

I do not comprehend and I wish I did because that would make it a lot easier on me. It wouldn't make me want to cry because I'm excluded for not having the same opinion as my friends. I feel alienated sometimes, because I'm annoying because I don't believe what they do. And I want new friends because of it. But they're the best people I've ever known and I love them all and it just pains me to see. Next time. I'm going home early maybe.

Friday, February 25, 2000 01:16 a.m.

One word: cheeeeeesecake. That's all the therapy I'll ever need, baby!

Rachel came over at 2:00 and we hung out for awhile, tried calling sean to see if he could come to the mirror meeting like he was supposed to, but we descovered he was paint-balling. Oh well.

We went to the meeting, and this one girl sonya made me really mad. We were getting our assignments and we both found out that fiona apple press passes were up for grabs. And screaming insued. And because of ageism, she was chosen. (she's a senior & I'm a junior) Then, she started rubbing it in, saying, "oh I'm sooo sorry... It's just... I've been screwed over... like with the TORI AMOS concert (that she got to go to anyway--oh gerrness!)..." and rachel, who hadn't gotten any sleep the previous night mentioned afterwards how she wanted to beat her ass. I wouldn't go that far, but dammit, when I say it's ok, it's OK. and it's especially ok for you to SHUT UP.

Then rachel & I went up to broadway so I could go to the bank and get some good coffee. It was hellla good. Then we walked down to B&O, mused about the weather and the brewing process of coffee (rachel now works at tully's, didn't you know). WE got inside and looked at the wedding cake display they have, which was quite nice. They have flippin amazing cakes! I suppose I already knew that by way of taste, but these ones were SO PRETTY. I actually told rachel they made me want to get married.

So rachel bought her dinner and I bought my cheesecake, and she had a cigarette and we talked about problems. Rachel was talking about how we would all come back to B&O in 10 years and laugh about how we all thought our problems now were so petty.

And I sat there thinking about how all these current problems stemmed from me. I'm stuck in my world of if-onlies again, where I repeat over and over what has happened, and I change the events in my head and tell myself I was stupid and should have done this or said that. Oh and it makes me sad. And angry. And wishing I could make it all go away. But it wont, so I wont do anything to make it stop until it does on its own.

Then we came home and rae went to the prop meeting and I got in a fight with my mom about my room (about its lack of cleanliness), then went to fred meyer's and bought hair-curling equipment, storage stuff, and cheap star wars valentines for next year. (only two bucks!). Then I came home and started making anna's birthday present, or part of it anyway, and then I watched er and then I went online and now I'm here. As usual.

I don't think I have anything more to say.

Thursday, February 24, 2000 01:16 a.m.

damn it. I hate java script now by the way. I hope you figured out that you're just supposed to CANCEL and it loads anyway! Argh! And I tried to make it go away, and it won't. GRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!

The whole reason that i got the password thing was because I heard there were snoops coming to my website to see what I wrote about this person or that person. And that's not what this page is about. it's not about gossip-- it's about what i feel and why I feel that way so that THEY can understand. Not so snoops can get mad at anybody. I know that it's up on the intronet; therefore anyone can go there, but it's still me, I'm still private. I only expected people I trusted or at least respected to go. But no. There are snoops. Oh well.

I had a very good day today. I woke up at one, whoops, and anna called me and we decided to go to the ave. I drove (which I normally don't do because the ave is craziness), and we parked, and we bought stuff. Like really good gyros. ANd then we went downtown and visited rachel (who thought we weren't coming--thanks a pantsful.) who gave us free coffee (did I ever mention how much i love rachel?) and then we came back and i bought 4 cds for $17.52. I got the nin cd for $6! yes! it was marked down 3 dollars by my pouty face. I also got bis, bob dylan, and the magnetic feilds. Brandon got mad at me cos I was looking for modest mouse. Sheesh. I thought I had good taste in music.

Then I came home to find out my parents were mad at me for not calling them/coming home right away. Oopsies. Sorry Ma & Pa.

I couldn't go out to b&o cos mommy took the car. And I got into a discussion with dan about... respecting privacy. Which I don't do. But then again. I don't go behind people's backs. I try to be as honest as possible all the time. And i feel bad that I mess things up when I do that & they can't, but I can't lie. It makes me feel physically ill. I have no lying willpower. So i'm not going to if i don't have to. but remember this: I WILL IF I DO HAVE TO.

And i've been thinking a lot. About things. Life. how trent reznor's music scares me because he really thinks the way he does. I don't know. I'm talking out of my ass.

I will try to get this code thing cleared up soon.

Tuesday, February 22, 2000 06:15 p.m.

well there. I'm now writing this entry from the computer in my room! that's just super.

I want to go to B&O and eat cheesecake. I really really do. And I want certain peoples to not be mad at me so that she can have creme brule and we can get lost trying to find a place to park and walk around aimlessly and have hours of endless amusement. I don't know if that's happening again. I don't have any idea what's going on. Whoops.

It was a beautiful rainy day today. I took a nap in the bathtub with my cat (there was no water. I'm just a freak). I cleaned my room sort of (i did a lot of shoving around) and I'm going to work on my zine a bit. New Buffy on tonight too. And I have ice cream in the fridge.

I just wish I had the right words and thoughts that made everything perfect all the time. I wish I wasn't afraid of myself and what I do to people and what I do to myself. I don't like hiding but I honestly don't know what else to do. Any thoughts or suggestions would be greatly appreciated, because I don't want to go down without a fight again.

I hate AOL sometimes. Like when I put code into a blank document (say, a pitas entry that I want to spellcheck while only double-tasking) it puts the command into effect. Dammit, I'm putting it there for a reason!! Other wise I would just press enter twice! I would just make it italic!

"he isn't even a rat or even a super rat, he's just a scared little mouse that's all... But oh golly gee damn!" -- Breakfast At Tiffany's