I went over to Scott's for a bit and talked to Rosie on the phone, but nothing truly spectacular was going on.

But after waking up at 2, I left almost right away to go job hunting with Heidi. We went up to Northgate where she turned in a Gap application and I picked one up, picked up an appy at Papyrus (paper r us), and then we stopped by silver platters (who wanted us to write *resumes*... sha), and Chinooks.

After all that we went and got Andreas, and we set foot inside his house again. Actually, it was heidi's first time... wow. special. Then we picked up ian, and Brandon, and we all went to Marbletop and ate ice cream and coffee. We came back pretty quickly and dropped ian off. Then we stopped by Kristi's for awhile, but Brandon wasn't feeling well so we took him home, and then Andreas and I drove around for awhile trying to think of something to do, decided to harass scott but he wasn't home. (run. on. sentence.).

We decided to harass Matt instead. It was great, going down to the locks to meet someone who lives there. His mom thought we were being astoundingly bold tourists at first, you know, demanding a tour. Nope. We hung out on the grass for awhile.

The security had issues with us becos we were just chillin at 9, when the park closes, and they yelled at us over the PA. I said, "aren't they yelling at us?" to which andreas replied, "No, they're talking to some boats...". A minute or two later, Matt's mom walks over, and says, "Didn't you guys hear the PA? You're supposed to come back to the house at 9 so they don't try to kick you out!". Therefore. I was right.

Then we came back to my house. and I made andreas popcorn and we sat on the back porch talking. It was nice.

When I'm done with thinking
Then I'm done with you
When I'm done with crying
And then I'm done with you
When I feel so tired
And then I'm done with you

You know everybody feels this way sometimes
Everybody feels this way

And I do
You can't hear it
But I do
You can't hear it
But I do

You're trying to convince me
That what I've done's not right
And I get so frustrated
I stay up every night
You ask me for an answer
And I'm so tired that I'm up in the air
I'm up in the air

You know everybody feels this way sometimes
Everybody feels this way

And I do
You can't hear it
But I do
You can't hear it

But I'm feeling this way
Just because you say
I will be ignored
And I will be denied
And I could be erased
I could be brushed aside
And I will get scared
And I will get shoved down
But I feel like I do
'Cause you push me around

I've been working. i'm tired. anna is supposed to call me. What happened to Kevin?

The Ballardcore. We would go drive late at night or sit at spots and just talk for hours and laugh and have fun. We never do that anymore. I mean, truly, the "ballardcore" is no more. In fact, I only hang out with large groups of people from irc anymore. Every day. I love everyone on the channel and everything, I just want to escape. I want to stay home and do diy stuff and make purses and zines and stuff. And there are also a ton of people who I want to hang out with this summer. It's only been two weeks, but I feel like I have to cram things in.

I haven't had a conversation with anyone, even myself.

When I started crying tonight when rosie was trying to cheer me up, I realized I was going to hell. I don't know. I feel kinda hollow and cold, but it's warmashell. The summer sun has overtaken seattle.

fortunately I'm getting up at 7 tomorrow to work on a project I doubt I can fix! yay!

She had made michael something really good, but I wanted a whoop dee doo, I sat around talking to the both of them for awhile and they were trying to do the whole mess-with-anne's-head thing but it wasn't working out because I am in DONT FUCK WITH ME mode.

Rosie had to close so Michael and I left and went to his house. We lazed about in his living room and front porch listening to Belle & Sebastian and the Cardigans, while reading selections from the Oxford book of .... something. Commentary on Literary structure. On occasion I would get interrupted with pages and some such.

We went over to rosie's house and contemplated getting in her pool but instead she made us spagetti and we listened to lauryn hill. Chloe woke up soon after and had to go somewhere so Michael and I left. I took him home and came home.

I had dinner, did good stuff, and rosie came over soon after. We went up to B & O soon after, and people kept paging me. I feel immensley popular, but oftentimes I feel overwhelmed. Like, augh! Who now? I don't mind a lot tho. Keep paging me, it makes me smile for the most part.

I got cheesecake but I didn't really want it. Laura got her warm apple pie and let me have some crust... yummy...

We went driving for a bit, and ended up at Gasworks, on the hill, looking at the gorgeous view. Dear god I love seattle. Especially on nights when the city turns all different colors in the sunset, and you can wish on your first star at the top of the hill.

At GW we met up with adam & peter, then we went to Beth's and rosie smoked and so did peter & adam. I got mashed potatoes & gravy which is proabably equally as bad for you. We listened to the Beatles and rosie pretended she was a yuppie.

The party was pretty over after that, and so we split up again and dropped laura off and then rosie & I drove around for awhile and it was really really nice. It was like back to the good old days, when I would call her ro and we would just talk and be mellow and never have that akward silence thing that happens with so many other people. It's great.

Today I woke up at 11 and left for the game at 12:15, watched the whole game (go mariners!), made some adaptations to edited songs, talked about safeco feild, wrote a postcard to tegan.

Afterwards neither scott nor I felt like going home right away, so we went to Elliot Bay Books and I got lost in the smell and the feel of new books sprawled in a rambling building with red brick walls and creaking wood floors. Ahhh.... bookstores. They are so wonderful and lovely and I want one.

We stopped by Tully's and rae made me coffee, I have no idea how much chocolate or whipping cream was in it, but it was strong and sweet and must have been 1000 calories right there.

We went to Borders after that, and Scott & I each bought a Cd. He bought Slint after much hoo-ha about what he wanted, and I bought belle & sebastian even though I had a slight debate with self over elliot smith.

We came home, I ate ramen, had a conversation with anna.

Scott called, and I convinced Andreas, Brandon, and Michael to go out with us. We went down to the beach and had ice cream and watched the sunset and talked about bonfires ("now *that's* a bonfire!").

Rosie called and was all freaked out and that kinda spoiled my mood and then michael went home and that spoiled my mood even more, then I didn't want to go home regardless of the bad mood, so we went up to the park by mle's house.

Bad idea, anne, bad idea. I mean, I felt crappy and then going to the place where I was insanely happy for an entire summer and some time before it and some time after it and realizing this year would not be the same at all made me feel somewhat miserable. We went swinging and then scott started running into me so I got off and sat on the bench and then Brandon and I went for a walk.

We walked to the other side of the zoo & back, a walk I have made on numerous occasions, but this one was nice. I smiled and felt ok and didn't mind that it was summer and I have responsibilities now or whathaveyou. We went back and for a moment thought the other two had ditched us. I would have been quite content to just lie on the grass and look at the stars, but we went and sat in the van, just to be safe.

They showed up, and then I went home, after brandon.

I sat in the living room and listened to my new lovely Belle & Sebastian CD that isobelle sings on and it's quite lovely.

Then I got online, but no one was on except Dan Man, so I wrote a really long pitas entry. Now I'm going to sleep.

I went to the locks.

Rosie is cool.

everyone got kicked out at midnight.

I have to be home before 6:30 and can't go out again tonight. I have $10. I am supposed to clean my room.

Scott whooped me at Go this morning, 96 to 34. But it was really fun, and I can tell I'm getting better, which is way cool. Refering to your go skills as way cool probably isn't kosher, but is being here really kosher? Is being awake this early in the morning for no apparent reason really kosher?

I'm contemplating a nap. My only fear is that I would sleep. And then sleep would be nice, and job hunting with anna would not be nice.

My mother paged me twice this morning to "help" me job hunt. She gave me a family friend's name & address so that I could turn in applications for jobs on the spot. It made me feel so old and useless. I hate the fact that my mother *really* wants me to get a job... probably because I *really* don't want one. I feel like I have to or I'll let the family down or something.

I felt really uncomfortable and weird. In fact, I usually do lately. I feel *very* girlie. And I hate feeling girlie. Which is why, incendentally, I would really like to find a girl friend that got it. I mean, there are all these guys that are so great all around me, but they're guys and it's a factor I have to put in in every social intereaction except for michael. But michael even then understands that there has to be *the* girl friend out there, somewhere. That gets it just right. I have bunches of great awesome hella rad & tight friends. Just none of them fit just right yet.

I think i really pissed off andreas tonight like I have been without even meaning to but I can't really say I'm sorry since he made me cry with the Faste comment. I have serious issues with a bunch of people sitting around laughing about me for no apparent reason other than a name that could possibly relate to sex if you made a lameass joke about it.

Then we picked up the poster and she drove me to Dan's house where I played exactly one video game. Then Laura drove me to Scott's where we intended to play go but he was fixing his computer and I didn't really feel like it anymore until anna paged me. I said that I wanted to play right after I finished talking to her, but she invited me to spots so I said I would go. Scott drove us down there, because he wanted to start go before Anna got there, so we would be somewhat into it and would still want to play.

We drove down there, and carried the board and the stones when we saw all the chairs on the tables. We moaned. Then we saw that the door was open. So we went, Oh, then it must not be closed. So we went in, set up our board, then scott went to use the bathroom and I sat and wrote in my journal a bit. I looked up and saw that scott was locked out, so I let him in, and then we turned around to order and saw the guy working there, hold a vaccum. "How did you get in?" he asked. "I just locked the door." We both looked at each other, and said, "Oh, so you're closed?"

He made up a story about the owner and closing early and all that jazz. I didn't care too much.

We waited outside and eventually anna & andy (not andreas andy, a sophomore andy that goes to ihs) showed up and anna got mad that there was no coffee and scott and I needed a place to play go. We decided free coffee from the ballard market was good enough, and scott & I would play go at the bluff.

And that's what happened. Scott and I had a really good game of go. He beat me by two points. It was intense. And fun. But now I'm really tired. Even tho I've only been awake for 7 hours, I feel like it's been an insanely long time.

I wish things were the way they were like 3 weeks ago. I was sure I knew things and I wasn't confused and I was pretty stable. Right now I'm in a somewhat hectic state and I'm doing that whole, "I don't give a shit about you until I can deal with myself," which may never even really happen because my brain doesn't seem to be functioning properly. 3 weeks ago wasn't great. But at least I didn't feel confused and old and scared and angry and meh.

We went down to peter's house and used his basement to watch the house of yes, which Is a very good movie. it's on the list . After the movie, Liz took me home and all was well.

Yesterday I slept til around 12, then I got online and saw that rosie was online so I asked her if she wanted to do something and she said sure then I asked if michael could come and so he did. And we went driving and almost had a collision in a new jetta because michael likes to pull the emergency brake for no reason. Hrmm.

They talked some shmack about me, and decided they should hang out sometime which I approved of. We wandered around Whole foods for awhile, got cheesecake, saw rebecca (there's no way to add the hand motion), went to my house. Introduced Rosie to irc.

rosie went home, we walked to Michael's house and stopped to go swinging for awhile. He made me thai food and I talked to his cousin. Then we got picked up by scott to see american psycho, which was a very good movie. After that, we went to... Dicks. I stayed in the car and had a laughing attack because I couldn't give scott a high five.

we drove to laura's house and scott left us with 6 people trying to fit into a 5 person car. I thought this was ok because either peter or adam had to go home, but since neither of them did it didn't work out. It ended up being somewhat of a disaster and Michael walking home, which I felt bad about.

We drove up to b&o, where they had closed an hour early. So technically, Peter & Adam are not my friends yet. They will be soon, I'm sure. Have I ever taken Brandon to... yes I have. Few. I was afraid he wasn't technically my friend. That would suck.

We ended up at Stella's, where I had a waffle. And then we all came home, and listened to the White album.