Anywho, it was Fall State this weekend. Lots of fun & crazy things went on. I debated, questioned, moderated, ran the info desk, helped with luggage storage, was a good cabinet member. I spent the majority of Saturday night in my room with Laura S.

I had gone up to my room around 9ish just to be alone for a bit and I sad at the window watching the freeway, thinking about all the reasons why I found it so fascinating and beautiful and at the same time repulsive and grotesque. Then I went to the dance to find someone, not from my chapter, to talk to. It worked, sort of, I spent a little time with sara c., but eventually I was back in the dance and my whole chapter was all around me asking me, "what's wrong?" and trying to get my to dance. I told david to dance with sara (which he didn't--fuckin punk), and then I went back to my room, cos I remembered Laura leaving the dance earlier in a huff. I told... someone... I thought Laura & I might be like *this*. Then I went upstairs and walked into my room to find her sitting at the window, watching the freeway, thinking about all the reasons why she found it so fascinating and beautiful and at the same time repulsive and grotesque.

We spent the rest of the night chatting. It was great. I enjoy real, actual conversations. I felt like I haven't had one for a while. That's one of the reasons why I love JSA.

And she was all set to have breakfast @ tiffany's with me. Laura rocks!

Actually, most people at JSA rock. The only people that DONT rock and really, really SUCK are christian right sXe FREAKS that don't know what a joke is. :)

And I missed britney last night. I think that was really why I was in tears for awhile.

It's hard to watch a show that depicts the symptom your mother has.

With her there.

It's hard for me to be discovering more and more about this disease. It's scary as all hell too. And it's mostly because it's difficult to understand.

Sigh.

I haven't done that in 10 years. I do not throw up. Especially not in the middle of genetics class, all over myself. Boy, minestrone soup never looks as good as all over my hagen-daaz t shirt.

I ran from the room. I didn't get real upset till I was far away from the science wing. My dad came & got me, and took me home. I took a shower and got my stuff from school. Nicole left me her notes, that was really sweet.

Michael is often quite enjoyable to spend time with, and tonight was no exception. What a delightful snobby math-boy. As well as a psychotic stalker with wonderfully innocent aspirations.

There was music at spot's tonight. Not good.

Work is work. Have I introduced all my faithful to Robin? Robin is the new manager, and as of tomorrow, the new closer for the Ballard Blockbuster. He scares the fuck out of me. God damn, every time I see him, I want to shrivel up and write a scrawling notice on the back of a starburst & coke purchase reciept. This is of course countered by Joe, the most wonderful manager on earth who called me last night to tell me he missed me. How sweet.

What else. I like Pagels. Today Emily killed some flies, and she told us why being popular was no longer cool. (Which tells me what I didn't expect would happen--she's trying to be like an overachiever like freaking me, like I have been. What the hell? I get to be the nerd! I'm good at it! I have experience!) I like, um, wait, crap I almost said, "I like school." I've just been living on not doing homework etc. adrenaline, no worries, I still hate school.

Yeah, foo fightas.

I know I'm preaching to the converted but we have the stupidest man alive (probably, although I can think of a few close calls) winning the popular vote for america. I do suppose that finally we have a president that actually represents the /people/ of the country. Maybe now other nations will see how fucked up it really is over here, and come, and help us out. Cos this fucking sucks.

In four years, I'm heading the Tim Eyeman Campaign! Who's with me? THE WHOLE FUCKING WORLD.

I don't know how I'm going to make it through the day tomorrow. At least I have Ms. Keenan-Kain tomorrow morning, she'll be sad too. I have a fuck you for matt, matt, and keegan in advance. I'm sorry guys, you know I don't hate you, but tomorrow. Oh my.

And I DON'T want to hear you voted for Nader! Gore lost at least three states because of him AND he didn't get his 7%! So fuck you for that too.

Today ms reeder FUCKED US OVER because she told me she wasn't sure if bash proposal presentation days were today or... sometime? So, frantically annual and Talisman ran around the school trying to find out more about it, and yep. it was tonight. So, after staying to read through the play, I came home, cleaned myself, went to work, went to bash proposal, went to denny's, drove home on empty.

For tonight, Fuck homework. Oh, no, I better look up a genetic disorder. Damn exit requirements.

Listen to my kcmu dir and life will be ok.

mmm... radiohead...

I want to be "me" again but I've lost that definition in some college applications and SAT scores and first quarter grades and working 30 hour weeks in a 60 hour period of time.

I miss things and ways and stuff and it's bizzare. I am going to make another zine very very soonly because if I don't I will explode and become a threat to myself or society.

I can't decide wether or not I love or hate work. Right now it's so much better than home and I don't ever want to be home so there I go. But... it's a fucking lot of work and I do have to be home sometimes. Fuck. I just want to watch movies, listen to mp3s, and sleep all day.

It's weird having the TV & computer in the same room.

Anyway, I've been miserably sick and not happy in general, if you haven't noticed. But today I actually did some homework which suprisingly enough made me feel better about life. Like, maybe if I do homework I will succeed at school.

The frustrating thing is how I no longer care about school. Right now, I'm at a point where I don't care about anything except for staring at a television or screen for two hour periods and asking myself how effective a shot was for the director's message, or talking politics and saying, "go green! vote lying slob who takes away votes from Bush! (announcement paid for by NARAL)" Maybe it's that I have TA periods or talisman which means more to me than just about anything else right now, except for my own sanity. I don't know. Wah.

Tpday I worked from twelve to eight and that was ok except there was a ton of work to do from the night before. Andrew was supposed to come in and inspect after his two week vaction. Joe was almost two housr late for work. He told me I’m up for review–which means I’ll be getting a raise–if I stay on and begin working at least three days a week every week.

I don’t know if I can handle it right now. I don’t know what I can handle. I feel like I can’t handle anything. I wish there was someone I could say, hey, come solve these problems for me. But I can’t. Cos there’s fuckin no one. I just feel terribly alone these days.

Yesterday I come home and write an essay that I finish quickly and yet am satisfied with. Then I proceed to read weblogs like a crazy person, and discovered Michael's availability to venture out into the seattle weather. And he wanted a burger. So for a burger we went.

He claimed that is day had been far from satisfactory before stating that he surely had lost his "regular" status at Dick's. While ordering, Michael recieved a personal visit from the manager as well as introduction to many members of the staff. The manager made the observation that Michael "hadn't been around for awhile." Now Michael shall truly live forever in the history of the Holman Road Dick's as two cheese, two fry guy. And yes, it is something to be proud of.

Then we sat in the car, or half in the car depending upon whether or not that person smoked, got cold, and decided we needed coffee. However, BH was too far away for the miserably wet night, so we settled for Spots. (We figured it would still be open cos of nomad.

Anyway, driving to downtown ballard at exactly 12 o clock ended up being a compelete benefit in that Raiders oF the Lost Ark was playing, and that was a highly entertaining and worthwhile event.

Outlook: bad.

"FAMILY MEETING"

This is where one sits down with say, their family, and "discusses" what is going on within the family. Hollow apologies that honestly mean nothing if not embittered statements that if not in a neuteral place would be profanities. Structured conversations with statements such as, "I am feeling that..." and "It is my understanding that..." or "I believe." The very important I statements. One lies and says they will change to make their parents happy, and says they will attempt to not act the way they have been acting. That same one says to self, "self, this really fucking sucks. why did I got to coffee /before/ self went home, and didn't wait til later?"

I don't want my parents to know anything about me or my life anymore. Period. I know that it wont happen, but I'm /not/ doing anything wrong, and they know that I'm not, so can they please trust me?

My mom says I push her around. My dad wants me to quit my job (like--this weekend). They want me to put them first in the family. They want me to consider reducing my stress.

They have no idea. At all. It's great. And I know it's what I want, but jesus. They really, have no idea.

And I miss everybody.

"She's going to have fun. I can tell."
"Oh, don't worry, we're going to make her have fun."
"But until then, we're going to talk about her like she's not really here."

"Hey sexy. I just broke up with my girlfriend. So I'm available."

...and I'm sick of this one, "Just get high around her... it's so great, she acts so stoned. It's the funniest thing ever!"

(once I start crying) "Thank you."

"I have to get out of here." Followed by my dad leaving the house to god knows where.

"No, I wont wait, and you can just go to hell."

Relations with my parents (particularly my mother) have deteriorated significantly in the past few weeks. It's my belief that my mother is being moved by the facts that I am busy, have friends, and want to leave this state for the next four years. My mother is also extremely jealous that dad has kept a shred of friendship between his daughter and himself. My mother is very sad, and it's driving my crazy, if you haven't been noticing.

Every time we watch a tv show, see a movie, do anything that should be considered family bonding, we find ourselves in a screaming argument afterwards, in which I almost undoubtedly end up in tears. So tonight, I tried to avoid it before the movie by telling rosie I didn't want my mom to watch it with me. Rosie, of course, can't read my mind, and mom & I would have had fight before if I had said anything about it then.

So after the film I tried my best not to talk to my mother so that we would fight. It was a depressing movie, and we were both upset for our own reasons (I was mainly scared as hell about dad-I had no idea where he had gone). Rosie lost her keys and got upset, we found them, but by then ol mom had taken over the computer so I consoled myself on the couch waiting her to finish her game of jewel master. She began to get angrier and angrier at me when she said I should go to sleep because the dsl was down, which it wasn't. I told her this, and got up to fix it in, yes, an angry manner, when she got up and said, "no, I'm not going to wait for you, you can just go to hell."

thanks mom. This was after watching a movie about the greatest mother on earth, who gave away a kidney for her dying daughter and never left her side when she was in a hospital.