@nne

Pitas.com
my real website
ericka's pitas site
Dandy Andy's Web Page stop starvation
old stuff

Monday, February 21, 2000 11:11 p.m.

Hi there. sorry you wonderful people have missed out on my blatherings for the last three days, I was either preparing for or gone at a conference the whole time.

The conference made me completely hate our government. Nothing got done the whole time we were there. What is going on then? Nothing. Nothing at all. By the way, the conference was a mock congress. So that's why i learned to hate govt.

I also didn't have too great of a time. I didn't really do the stay up all night and talk thing like I usually do. I went to bed right after seeing (fiona apple on) saturday nite live. So that's was kinda dissapointing.

I survived, and I'm back. But I don't feel very happy. My mom pulled out the mental-health wild card today and said I had to have our old computer in my room BY THIS WEEK or else. So meh. I have to clean my room. Which is probably good anyway.

I wish everything could be over but it seems like everything is worse. I feel terrible. I'm so flipping confused. I'm so glad I found out that the seniors at my school are computer geeks like me though, because otherwise i would be insane. Maybe this week I'll just go back to the old "i have no friends" routine where I concentrate on myself and my room that i have to clean and maybe I'll cry a lot. That's what I normally did.

I just wish I knew what happened to get things as fucked up as they are. It's probably the fact that I made this page and swore I would be honest like i should be in the first place... oh well. My dad is probably going to come kick me off soon, so I should stop writing.

my statement of the night is: I'm sorry.

Thursday, February 17, 2000 11:11 p.m.

well er makes me think about things in different perspectives (i.e., be glad I'm not dead by way of schizophrenic). But i'm back. Hi.

Ok, so talisman was where I left off. I finished laying out my page at the beginning of fifth period and didn't have to race the clock to get it out on time. I gave up on it and did the best that I could instead of freaking out. I was tired of freaking out.

And I suppose I was annoying everyone cos I whine but I don't do crap that messes with my head so that's not a scape goat for me. (oh and by the way, before anyone takes that personally, that wasn't a personal comment, I was just thinking about something dan asked me earlier) I have to go and talk sometimes and sometimes I just have to be quiet and brood for awhile which I didn't have time to do because people were breathing down my neck which made me nervous.

So I'm trying my best. I came home and had a quasai conversation with rosie, and did my homework (or at least my history homework). I still don't want to go to school tomorrow but at least it's friday and I can anticipate the final bell with glee.

Oh yeah I watched *Popular* tonight too... and what's up with everyone being all friends? What the hell? And the adam character that just wanted to control everyone... he reminded me of a certain former co-editor of mine that no longer attends ballard.

Yes I think that's enough from me right now.

Thursday, February 17, 2000 09:35 p.m.

Wow. I just learned that I inspired andreas to make two webpages. That makes me feel special.

Anyway, about my day. Today was a day filled with uncomfortable silence, the need to be alone, and the lack thereof. Poo, In other words.

I spent my day trying to avoid talking in every class, because it seems like people interepret everything I say the wrong way. I don't think I could become a poet. Maybe I should just be more clear. Sometimes I get mad at my parents for teaching me things like "manners." WHAT is up with that? ;)

Then I would try to walk in groups with people in the hallways, avoid certain areas. Augh. Imagine living like this every day. Too weird, strange.

I hid in the talisman room to "work" on it a lot as well.

I have to finish this entry @ 11. It's er time, baby!

Wednesday, February 16, 2000 05:45 p.m.

Ok no nevermind I lied. No one gets it. No one. even the people I think are the most understanding don't. I wish there was someone out there like me, really really like me so I could rest assured that I'm not a freak. But right now, I am and I hate it and I want to go away. No one gets that I keep having suicidal thoughts that I've never had before. Because I feel like the one thing I really trusted was taken away and everyone is being STUPID STUPID STUPID. and I want you to just LEAVE ME ALONE. Because you can't know what's going on inside my head if I don't so GO AWAY.

Wednesday, February 16, 2000 05:23 p.m.

Oh by the way Im eating again and I do feel a lot better than I did yesterday

Wednesday, February 16, 2000 05:12 p.m.

The internet just makes me feel so good sometimes. I think the web was my own inspiring playground. All these people got together and said, "Let's make anne a bunch of stuff to play with that can distract her from doing anything useful."

It does distract me quite a bit. I never am offline practically. Maybe I never should have gotten a new computer because I certainly wouldn't have the paitience to have two websites.

I played with Photoshop for awhile too.

I still feel really crappy about previous events. I still want to go live in a box. I don't care what rachel says. I've written this in my journal before, "I need to pretend that I like to be alone for awhile" and that basically means that I have to force myself to deal with myself because I can't put anyone before me. It does not work.

I also need to stop putting myself on the line/trusting people so much. I live by the golden rule, and dammit, so should everyone else! because I trust them to do things and to be honest. But no.

I've been reading zines and websites and such lately and I've been inspired and yet felt very self-concious about stuff as late. It's because now that I have a pitas site, all of my daily brilliant musings are being published to the world, so why should I reprint them in my zine? I used to just put journal entries in there a lot. So now it's going to have more fiction and poetry, but should I put in essays? Are they going to be any good? I really want to do one on gender roles and some other stuff. but who knows. Maybe I'll get it out next week (can we say "BREAK!!!!!") or maybe I won't.

Wow I'm glad it's wednesday. the week is halfway over.

Tuesday, February 15, 2000 02:58 p.m.

I feel terrible. Feel useless and stupid an worthless. I feel like no one understands. I'm confused I'm sad I'm scared and I want it all to go away.

my mom left reviving ophelia on the table in the kitchen today, with a bookmark on cutting. I cut too, in my own way. i don't use scissors or a razorblade, but I use my fingernails and gash in my skin until it bleeds. Only on my upper arms, because it's easier to break the skin there. I also do on my legs and on my stomach.

Maybe it's not really cutting, but it's harming myself to get a satisfaction I pretend that I get when I do it. I do it a lot. My arms are all covered with scabs. I do it every day, probably. i started doing it in 8th grade.

I do it because I feel insignificant. i feel so small. I feel like no matter what I say it's not important, because I'm one fairly rich kid--yeah, i'm a kid--living in the US. I'm NOTHING. My problems are NOTHING. and none of my friends' are either. They are stupid reasons to be hurting myself.

Right now I really want to starve myself. I don't want to eat for the rest of the week. I probably will but i don't want to I feel ill I don't want to see my grandma and I don't want to leave the house. I hate being at school and I just want to catch up on all the work that I've missed while pretending my life was fun for awhile. Cos Now I've got to work even thoughI hate it I hate it I HATE IT! I just want to design webpages. I KNOW that. I want to make collages with pictures for the rest of my life. But I have to pretend I like classes I have to pretend I like people I have to pretend I like everything. And I feel terrible.

I guess this is all because of last night but it's not really it's really because of me and I feel so fucked up right now. I can't help you. You don't understand how much it hurts me to say that I can't. I can't. To me can't means stupid so I think that if I can't then I'm stupid and I quit. Does anyone get that? Am I fucking psychotic? Do I need therapy too? I want to go away. I want to go away. I want to go away.

Monday, February 14, 2000 11:03 p.m.

Here's a little thing that I wrote to tegan about tonite that includes an AIM conversation with someone else. I know it's confusing but I don't have time to sort it all out.

Pinkmarble: hi tegan it's anne
beckyred8: hello
beckyred8: wow all four of you this is a bit overwhelming
Pinkmarble: oh don't get me started I'm doing my chemistry homework along all this *and* having a mental crisis
Pinkmarble: !!
Pinkmarble: yay
beckyred8: mental crisis?
beckyred8: are you o k?
Pinkmarble: here read this:
Pinkmarble: X: yo
Pinkmarble: long time no see
X: yeah
X: i wish i had gotten drunker
X: :(
Pinkmarble: Pinkmarble: yeah that was so fuckin bad
Pinkmarble: I don't think that's happening again
Pinkmarble: fun while it lasted
Pinkmarble: dad told me all the reasons why I should
Pinkmarble: delete icq
X: why
X: why bad
Pinkmarble: uh because my mom does not like lying
X: hua?
Pinkmarble: Pinkmarble: I felt like SHIT and uh, my dad did not want to think about this stuff
X: yeah... im sorry youdidnt have to lie for me
Pinkmarble: yeah we did
Pinkmarble: Pinkmarble: or you would never be at my house again
X: im sorry i put all of that burden on you guys, tell your mom im sorry
Pinkmarble: shut up don't feel sorry ok
X: why i should not have done that to you, its my problem
Pinkmarble: Pinkmarble: feel good and not guilty and carefree. then I can feel all the guilt that I always have tenfold for everyone and that's why I should remain celebate and not have friends
beckyred8: who is X?
Pinkmarble: (by the way, don't attempt to read this till I'm done)
Pinkmarble: X
Pinkmarble: hang on, more explanation coming
Pinkmarble: Pinkmarble: yes? I iwish to be an old maid spinster
Pinkmarble: I think
X: ok anne that makes me feel all nice inside, thanks :(
Pinkmarble: Pinkmarble: Look I'm sorry but when you're mad at me you get it out on me and you have to expect me to do the same.
Pinkmarble: even if you're "depressed" which I don't even Pinkmarble: think you really are and I don't think you think that either
X: its ok,,, you can be mad i dont care, just explain wy
Pinkmarble: X: nope depression is a trivil issue
X: its not real
Pinkmarble: and my friendships always blow up like this
Pinkmarble: because I care too goddamned much and it hurts me more than it hurts the person themselves
Pinkmarble: and I shouldn't even do this cos it hurts me more than anyone else
Pinkmarble: X: dont let it hurt you, i dont wnat to FUCKING hurt you...i dont want to hurt you I dont want to hurt you i dont want to hurt you i dont want to hurt you i dont want to hurt you
Pinkmarble: Pinkmarble: I know you don't WANT to X, but the whole point is, you do.
X: ive got to go..... dont think about me,... think about ben or rae Pinkmarble: inkmarble: and you will
Pinkmarble: ben?
X: forget about me
Pinkmarble: I will NOT forget about you
Pinkmarble: Pinkmarble: it doesn't work that way!
X: you must... ive got to go sleep now and dream of tomorow
Pinkmarble: do that
Pinkmarble: ktober82: write me a novel for tomorow and i will answer with the utmost seriousness
Pinkmarble: ok I will
Pinkmarble: whew I'm done. junior drama i know
beckyred8: that is okay, you will survie, one more year
Pinkmarble: no, it's not about that, see she lies to her parents and she lies to me and I don't know which ones to believe and I want to believe her and her parents make me shake & cry
beckyred8: oh, I think I am lost
Pinkmarble: and I never EVER want to see them but she does every day and I mean no wonder she's depressed but there's nothing I can do except let her have fun but then if her
Pinkmarble: parents think that *I* let her have fun then she can't hang out with me anymore and then the whole problem gets worse.
beckyred8: I am sorry, things seem pretty intricate though
Pinkmarble: yeah and it sucks and I hate it.
Pinkmarble: i hate caring i really really do
beckyred8: oh but don't , never hate caring anne
Pinkmarble: no, but it's so hard and my friends don't understand
Pinkmarble: they think i can just turn it off like a switch
beckyred8: they do understand that you car?
beckyred8: Care?
Pinkmarble: yeah but they don't understand about caring
Pinkmarble: I wish I could just be thier parents.
beckyred8: no you do not.
Pinkmarble: i think i'm going to be a foster mom when i grow up cos of all the experience I have
Pinkmarble: I know I don't
Pinkmarble: I'm just talking out of my ass
Pinkmarble: ok. I feel a whole lot better now
beckyred8: why
Pinkmarble: because I got it out of me
Pinkmarble: that's why I write (type)
So this is how i feel right now and I wish my life would just stay at some plateau for like TWO SECONDS!! It would be nice. I'll take one normal life, oh, can I pay in credit?

"Please forgive me for my distance
Pain has never come to my existence
" Uh fiona of cousre

Sunday, February 13, 2000 10:51 p.m.

I don't know why I'm talking more. yes I do. I want to postpone every aspect of school. I want to never see its face again, and yet I will. Of course.

I never ever want to go back there. It's the only part of my life that makes me unhappy, and it makes me too freaking unhappy. I wish I could kill it. make it die a slow painful death. I'm really working at it. I swear. That's what that uncool thing is all about.

I'm really proud of my pants-drawing feat from below. I can't believe I did that. i couldn't have a month ago. My thanks to ellie and all the people who taught me how to use html. There's no one to thank at school for this of course. I couldn't even pretend to be accepted and credited for anything I do except sports. Oh wait, I *HATE* sports So i don't think that will be working out.

Dan is a really cool guy.

It's only 8 hours away. It's ok, anne, you get to see anna, and rosie, and lar, and jessie and graham and tegan and sara janecke and maybe rachel will show up and they will make it all better for you. They will. They will make you smile and laugh and feel better. At least for a little while. And you will laugh that you were worried about this or that and you will go out to lunch and you will yell at nicole. All things I will do tomorrow. I will finish an entire zeen, write back to the girl in australia, send out my valentines to my penpals... none of this stuff will get done. I have a history newspaper due tuesday. I don't have any other homework but that's plenty thank you. Sorry anna, but I'm SO GLAD I do not have math right now. I would be vomiting.

Can't B&O be school?
I'm going to end this entry with a Fiona Apple song:
A Mistake
Words and Music: Fiona Apple

I�m gonna make a mistake-
I�m gonna do it on purpose
I�m gonna waste my time
Cuz I�m full as a tick
And I�m scratching at the surface
And what I find is mine
And when the day is done, and I look back
And the fact is I had fun, fumbling around
All the advice I shunned, and I ran
Where they told me not to run, but I sure
Had fun, so
I�m gonna fuck it up again
I�m gonna do another detour
Unpave my path
And if you wanna make sense
Whatcha looking at me for
I�m no good at math
And when I find my way back,
The fact is I just may stay, or I may not
I�ve acquired quite a taste
For a well-made mistake
I wanna mistake why can�t I make a mistake?
I�m always doing what I think I should
Almost always doing everybody good
Why-
Do I wanna do right, of course but
Do I really wanna feel I�m forced to
Answer you, hell no
I�ve acquired quite a taste
For a well-made mistake, I wanna
Make a mistake, why can�t I make a mistake
I�m always doing what I think I should
Almost always doing everybody good
Why-

Sunday, February 13, 2000 05:26 p.m.

I don't feel guilty anymore. I feel great. I'm serious too. I never want to go to school again. School is shit. I hate it. It always makes me feel terrible. I don't want to be there, I don't feel like I'm learning anything, or doing anything, or ANYTHING. And I get guilty over things like skipping one period or not doing one fucking chemistry assignment. like doing the one assignment is really going to raise my test scores and/or make me understand. No, it's not.

In the past 3 days I've gone to B&O 3 times. 2wice with rosie. Rosie is the coolest person around, by the way. I'm sorry that a psycho guy is obsessed with her though. That's really flippin scary. And I'm sorry that she doesn't like what she has to go through. I don't like it either because of that and it makes me sad. Today I hung out with Graham and it was fun. We were supposed to work on our bill for mock congress for JSA next weekend, but that did not work out. We ended up going to b&o with laura and having coffee and talking about the most stellar pants in the world. I'll make a drawing:

except the stars are silver. Illustrator does not seem to have a silver color option. Gerrness. Oh well.

I really had the best weekend in the world. I have to go back to being stressed out tomorrow but I really want to pretend that I'm not at least for a little while. It's valentine's day tomorrow! Maybe I'll change the background for it. It's funny, I really hate valentine's day, but I got all into it this year. Why I do not know. Anywho, I want to see if this image works so I have to stop writing now.