No matter what I say here It doesn't matter because it isn't real. I will never again say what I feel at the moment that I'm writing to this page. I don't talk about crying myself to sleep and ripping up my arms and legs every second I get. I don't talk about the way I feel about myself every time I walk into school. I don't talk about how I have to be fake with every fucking person I know to feel like I'm not insane and to pretend I don't feel the way I do about people because I know what it would to do other people I knew. I'm so sick of this. I'm not real. I don't exist.
Sunday, October 22, 2000 03:38 a.m.
Hey. I'm here. I don't know what I'm saying. Oh yeah, today. Well. not really today. Work sucks. But it's good. I'm completely torn on wether or not to keep my job. I just think Joe is the coolest boss alive and I wish he could pay me more and let me work fewer hours. But he can't. Sigh.
Ok, the dance SUCKED. I hate dances, and going to them doesn't make me feel any better. I left early and sat in rosie's car, which was right behind emily's car. Natalie's boyfriend was sitting in emily's car, obviously waiting for the dance to be over as well. He sort of knows who I am and I don't even remember his name, so although I contemplated going over and chatting about how dances are lame, I decided against it. Rosie did give him her last guiness however. She said he was happy about that, and I don't doubt it. The only place you really /need/ to be intoxicated to have fun is at a public school dance.
Cough.
We went up to BH after that and got some excellent coffee. Then people came and people went, and holy crap they shed one! It was Scott, so we didn't make him take the bus home.
We picked up James and drove around for a bit before simply going home. What a night, eh?
WHERE THE HELL ARE ALL THE WESTERN PEOPLE? :(. I tried calling around tonight and couldn't find anyone. I was sad.
Thursday, October 19, 2000 11:47 p.m.
Jesus. I never knew weblogging was like a large cult that sat around and /wrote/ about... how to weblog. I'm frightened. I've been searching find other webloggers since none of my friends update their logs anymore. Sans Michael.
I'm shocked. I'm disturbed. I mean honestly, who knew?
Yikes.
Tuesday, October 17, 2000 10:55 p.m.
She makes me want to shrivel up in a small hole and die. Everything I do is not to her liking or fancy or is too this or too that. I try to do things that make her happy but they're not good enough or she doesn't believe me. I'm not a liar who does she think I am? I wouldn't do that.
I can't explain everything that's going on right now just understand it's everything and things are on my mind that shouldn't be and they're really fucking distracting and I feel schizophrenic and I want my mom to GO AWAY.
She has not let me out of her sight for the last hour and a half because she was picking through my god damn garbage. FUCK! I want her to leave me alone. Augh... I love my mother. I really, really do.
Just not tonight. Not tonight.
Sometimes I wish I just could tell everybody (or anybody) everything, I would not be nearly as fucked up as I am now.
Monday, October 16, 2000 09:33 p.m.
I hate her. She makes my skin crawl. She wants me to be everything I'm not she expects more than I want to give. She's starting to want to live her life through me. No no no no. You don't understand. I'm not who you think I am. I am not perfect as I say. I'm more fucked up than you would like to think. I like to keep it that way.
I want to go curl up by some fireplace and read away my winter. Listen to the rain rattle on like it often does here. Wrap myself up in a warm fuzzy blanket and pretend that it's all just one bad dream.
Monday, October 16, 2000 04:48 p.m.
Ok. plans change. not know if movie go to I do. In fact, doubt movie I go to. Maybe spots. Dammit. No one loves me or the fact that I hate movies by my lonesome. Well, actually, I haven't asked or anything. I'm just socially inept. Ehh. I've turned into a newt. I'll get bettah.
Monday, October 16, 2000 02:59 p.m.
Hey, i want to see almost famous. Do you? Page me. I think I'm going to try for the 415 at the metro. It's 300 now. I might not be able to as I have to rely on a ride home at the moment and might not be able to make it. Maybe the 700 show then. But I wont get any homework done if I do that... hmm. talk me should you. Ok.
Saturday, October 14, 2000 06:39 p.m.
Goodbye my wonderful little college town. I wont see much of you after tomorrow, at least for a year or so.
Not a whole lot to report. This is a great place, i can't wait to develop all my film. I only took 3 1/2 rolls though.
Cute boys on mass transit rule.
Thursday, October 12, 2000 08:26 p.m.
if that works right, that's the T line I took this morning. Well, we attempted to a few times before we actually could get on it. My dad has a lovely sense of direction. It's almost as good as scott's. :). He also tried to make us get on the T Via an exit.
But anyway. If I wasn't sold before, I am now completely sold now.
(AUGH!! I hate laptop keyboards more than anything!)
I started the day around 930, which, by the way, is 630 if any of you care to consider the time difference. I got up and got clean and then we took in breakfast from the restaurant in our lovely holiday inn. (it's $200 a nite by the way-- and this is the cheapest one my dad could find!)and then, yes, we got lost on the train, or rather on the stop in front of our hotel.
Eventually we got downtown and headed up & down newburry st, which is covered with designer shops and expensive restaurants. I took pictures of shops for graham and then we made sure we went to the right stop.
maybe I'll change the rule of thumb to "a place cannot affect my life in a good way unless it has an effective stair shot." The emerson office of admission building has two: the one simply of the narrow, marble spiral staircase that you see as soon as you step in the building, and also the shot of either down or up into the tight staircase is quite powerful. The building itself is completely corgeous, a restored terra cotta & steel from circa 1915.
Isn't it funny how Emily's are always deciding my fate?
My interviewer was a senior named emily who was graduating in film. she was from la, and really enjoyed living off-campus. (she claims it's cheaper.) When she told me I get half off on tution if I applied for honors, I was somewhat gone. Then she told me about the castle. Um, I'm applying now.
/Then/ I took the tour. The tour is all over downtown boston. We spent about an hour and a half walking around oggling about the campus life. It's like a very, very cool expensive high school as far as size is concerned. Every dorm room has an ethernet connection. So ha to the peters. Every dorm has a gorgeous view of something or other. One houses 700 people.
Then we went to the studios. Studios, where, they steal the concept design of computers that helped make the matrix and titanic. In short: you can do anything there. We observed the 16 speaker doulby-surround sound recording studio. Once people leave that studio, they can recieve $75,000 salaries in almost any production firm in the country.
Sigh.
Then we went to the theater, which was orginally built in 1903 and is now being fully restored and they are adding state-of-the-art production facilities in the back of the building.
And before that, the radio station gave us a shout-out. (Give it a listen scott, you'd really like it!)
Then we went out with a local associate in a architecture firm to a pub and hung out. It was nice. Then I fell over in the T on the way home. I ran into a guy with a broken arm. I felt awful.
That's it. I'm in love. I'm moving to boston.
Wednesday, October 11, 2000 09:20 p.m.
well hey I'm in boston. That's pretty much all I can say becos my dad needs to type a brief. It costs 85 cents per use to enjoy a T1 connection here. Thanks cais... whoever you are.
Monday, October 9, 2000 11:20 p.m.
I'm in love with the world Through the eyes of a girl Who's still around The morning after We broke up a month ago Or I grew up, I didn't know
I’d be around the morning after it's always been wait and see a happy day and then you pay and feel like shit the morning after now I feel changed around and instead of falling down I'm standing up the morning after
Situations get fucked up or turned around sooner or later
I could be another fool or an exception to the rule you tell me the morning after crooked spent can't come to rest I'm damaged bad at best she'll decide what she wants I'll proabbly be the last to know no one says until it shows see how it is they want you or they don't I'm in love with the world through the eyes of a girl who's still around the morning after
Elliot Smith, Say Yes
Monday, October 9, 2000 10:59 p.m.
I think the core of me wants to change my life. My existence, it says, needs to be different. You can no longer live by punch cards and school photographs. You can no longer extract money from a wall 24 hours a day. Must, you must, carry identification only when essential and in singal unit form. And most of all, you must not own a green sparkly wallet.
By The way, I found my wallet this morning. It had a free spots card in it.
By the way, I lost it this evening, I believe while freequenting the chairs outside of Tully's on market st. at 10:15 pm. Total consecutive hours of posession: 15.5. My dad says I'm incompetent and have to learn how to "get through life without losing your wallet every day." Well, fuck you too pop.
Sunday, October 8, 2000 04:44 a.m.
It really does make everything go away, even if just for a little while.
Friday, October 6, 2000 04:00 p.m.
well hell.
I just found out senior portrait day is monday, so I have to go /right now/ to get my hair done. But i want to go see dark days tonight! I don't know how this is going to work out. I recommend asking ro about it cos I have no idea.
Argh.
PS, my pager does still work, btw.
Thursday, October 5, 2000 11:49 p.m.
Last night, as I was watching American Beauty, I had a new thought in the last scene. It was the scene when Annette's Benning finds out about her husband and runs upstairs & into the closet. She falls over and sobs in his suits and shirts. My thought was: his smell. She smells him.
