Well god damn it, I'm a fucking mopey bitch. I'm tired of all of this. I feel like there is. no one. I can't figure out why exactly this is my fault but it is to me, maybe it's because I feel so fucking superior. I miss my ex best friend. I miss everyone. I don't know what it is I'm missing. But I want it, I think I need it.

My sleep has been all weird lately, I don't want to go to school, I can't function until 3rd period ever. I want to be out of my house where my parents can't yell at me for doing homework and having to stay up late to do it. I need to stay away from my friends who are out of school, and my friends who act friendly but say things that are just mean anyway. Because that's really kind.

Chuck & Buck as a weeeird movie.

There was this thing I was invited to, and when I got there, there were no people. I called before I went so I kind of expected it, but this has happened again and again and again and it makes me feel really terrible. I thought these people were some of my closest friends, but every time they want to see me they end up... not. I guess its not their fault, but when they say they'll be there and then they're not I feel totally rejected. Then to come home and have andreas not respond to anything I say hurts even more.

Now, remembering what I was going to add this morning:

I FUCKING HATE SOME PEOPLE AT MY SCHOOL.

GRRRR!!!!!

Ok, this girl, who shall remain nameless, because, well, no one deserves to hear her blasted name, complains about an answer on a test. We did group projects, each of us wrote questions for our subjects (ex: mine was on Women's Rights in the Victorian Era, we asked who's on the silver dollar). This girl complains that she didn't understand the question BY HER OWN GROUP. She gets /mad/ at another student in the class, the one, who, actually, answered the question--because she had /done/ the work for the class. Oh, gee what a shock. She points this girl out, angrily. I tell her that that's completely innapropriate. She tells me I'm innapropriate.

I again, consider myself lucky to not carry firearms.

Anne steams.

Other than that, I've been really sad lately. I feel like I have no friends, while I'm surrounded by them. I don't know what it is. I can't find the right thing, I think. I don't know. I--augh... See, I'm doing it again. Last night I was finding accompanyment to a film, even though I already had a friend going. The person I was talking to said he was busy, and I started freaking out. I told him I had all these friends, but none of them ever wanted to do anything. Of course he felt terrible. I didn't mean to give him a guilt trip, it just came out. I didn't mean it about him, it was just what I was saying. No one is me, they can't be exactly like me. WHY can't I just accept that and try to figure out what is right?

This happens just about every winter. I search for something new and different something "real" often I find it, but I leave people behind. I don't want to do this. I don't want to, but I feel it, I know it's happening. Am I distancing myself now so I have no friends by the time I want to leave? What the hell am I doing? But going to school and just feeling hated really, really helps. And then coming home and feeling like an inconvienience is nice too. Not to mention how I feel now in every social interaction, that I'm unwanted, uninvited. And it's no one's fault but my own. I hate being this insecure. Do I remember when I wasn't? I wasn't, once...

Victor wants me to bring friends to the scratching post next tuesday, and he wants me to read my poetry. Of course I don't have the nerve. But I want to go. Maybe I'll read something. I don't know.

Isn't that nice.

Well, the deal is, I'm much more likely to touch someone that I don't like than someone I like a lot more. Which, really, makes little sense and definitely sends the wrong message. I tend to like to grab people and hold onto people I consider friends way more than people I'm interested in romantically. I suppose it's because I get dramaqueenesque prude-corelly nervous about the whole situation and would rather be reassured by someone that I know I can trust than someone who may or may not hurt me. This is because, I trust no one, but that's another issue entirely.

I noticed this lately when I've been walking with my friends, and walking closely with them, and often grabbing them or leaning onto them or asking for a hug... and, I'm realizing, that's not so good. These are my friends, and the people I'm more interested in I shy away from. I am so weird.

Yeah, then there's this whole Holiday Ball deal. I want to go, but I'm nervous about it. I'm supposed to ask someone today, someone I think is cool and nice, and someone I think that can do way better than me. Is that just because I'm insecure, or just because I am shy and that's what I'm telling myself because I don't have the nerve to ask? I wish I wasn't such a wuss and I just did stuff. But it's hard.

That and I haven't gone to a formal dance since freshman year (and /that/ was a disaster, let me tell you, except for me & sarah having our sleepover afterwards... we still laugh about certain journal entries...), and I've never danced with a boy. Ever. Not once, not even my dad. So I'm insanely petrified by the concept, and kind of want to go with a boy that I can make an appearance with and then leave and go watch a movie with. Is that so wrong? It is kind of for the guy I want to ask, who would go anyway and have a good time, he's a dance person. I'm not, but it's my senoir year, I want to subject myself to the torture by dressing up and attempting to have a good time, while i'm almost positive I won't. Yuckers.

My mom insisted I help her put up christmas lights today. I slept in, because I had stayed out quite late having my hot date. I was tired & hadn't had a chance to sleep in in 3 weeks or so. So at 2, I was all set to start my paper.

Mom had different plans. I spent from 2-5 working on making my house pretty. At one point, when I was complaingin about ... FAILING... genetics, she almost started to cry. I had to give her a hug and tell her that just because I didn't want to put up xmas lights that didn't mean I don't love her.

I wish she would talk to someone about this. My mom is having serious issues with me wanting to leave, being an adult, and losing a friend. She's having serious rejection issues that are hard for me to handle. I don't want to be the one that has to do this, but I guess I am. I don't see how communicative my parents are being these days.

Peter C. is absolutely /the/ best drunk I have ever met. He needs to turn to a life of serious, frequent, hard drinking, because he could make big bucks just by being Drunk Peter. Actually, he would lose money too, because he'll give away $20 at the bat of an eye.

I had a good time tonight. But I itch, and I have a dentist appointment tomorrow. So, I'll be just about sleeping now.

andreas and Michael already informed me that I'm a nerd, and I don't really need that enforced any further. So all I want you guys to do is email me with the one or ones you like best. Ok?

I know. Nerdy.