I suppose I have to describe my scale here. The way I do this is: anything above a 4 I would pay money to see again. 10 is the most astounding, life altering, history re-writing movie I've ever seen. Make sense? ok.
jason. I miss you. please write me if you read this.
Thursday, September 21, 2000 12:42 p.m.
I'm staring out the window onto 65th street thinking, "why?"
Why the hell am I here? What is going on? What does this school business mean to me.
everything's gotten a lot more insignificant to me these days. It's bad. I should care about JSA more, I don't. I should care about homework a lot more, But I'd rather watch movies. I'd rather be anywhere but here.
I think a lot of it is that I don't have time on the weekend to be me, to be alone, to be with my friends or otherwise. I work. All weekend. It sucks.
Meghan says hi, by the way.
Today during second period I walked by the display case, where all my friends are catalogued into categories of how smart they are, how much money they recieved. Is that the school's memory of them? I talked to Mrs. Mitchell about it, and she said something very wise. "It's great to be a senior, but you begin to feel left behind." That's exactly how I feel. I shouldn't be here. And I definitely shouldn't be working all weekend, when everyone is leaving.
I'm sad.
And I don't have a lot of time.
Sunday, September 17, 2000 10:46 p.m.
So i've been busy. I've been schooling. There's a lot to get done this senior year, and I myself am pretty excited about it.
I'm really happy to see the paper turning out the way it is. People are excited to work, the returners are happy to see the way it's working out, and ms reeder doesn't seem ashamed of us. We had an ad sweep on Thursday and it worked out well (we got about 30 leads from neighborhood businesses) and we're starting production right away. The only real problem we have is that there are only 3 editors, but hopefully that will be fine. And we have matt the wonderfluff, our computer guy sent from heaven that actually likes to spend insane amounts of time working on the network for us. Yay!
What else. I hate work. When one manager is calling another manager's wife a whore (the manager who said this is sleeping with the bosses' ex girlfriend that the boss had been cheating on his wife with)... I get pissed. And when I have to work longer than I'm supposed to just because I actually do more work than anyone else. Is hardly fair. And no one comes to visit me anymore! Sigh.
I didn't do any homework this weekend. Oops. I'm going to do some jsa stuff before I go to bed though. And people, sign up for UNCOOL . We're actually having a pretty fun discussion right now about gun control.
Ok, I'm out. No wait, I'm not. I had a really good time with scott on friday, we went to pagliacci's and got pizza which we ate at Salmon Bay in the playstructure. Then we went to Kinkos and played what's in my wallet on the copy machines. We gots da discount there too.
And yesterday I had dinner with heidi & my parents after work. My parents needed to schedule time with me to talk. Understandably. And then, since no one would go with me, i rented Being John Malkovich just to spite them all.
That's all. My life.
Wednesday, September 13, 2000 09:39 a.m.
so how's life? It's that time of year again. I always stress myself out to the point of physical illness over things that the school find to be insignificant. Clubs, the paper, my personal life, sleep... you know, they don't really matter do they. I held my first informal protest last night--I didn't do any homework. :)
I really like having this second period class to just hang out and not stress. I mean, of course I should be working on the essay due tomorrow (which I will write in an hour tonight), the age homework, the genetics research due in sixth (that I saved and now it wont print!)... sigh. No. I'm going to listen to the matrix soundtrack, read, and relax.
Sunday, September 10, 2000 11:44 p.m.
I've been busy. I've been JSAing, I've been working, I've been homeworking. I've been getting sick of james, I've been missing the channel, I've been missing endless hours of useless activity formerly known as fun. I love school, I gotta admit, but I loved everything about this summer (well, most things) and it's hard to readjust. Especially when numerous friends are still out of school just hanging out and not worried about this or that.
I am totally digging JSA right now and I hope it goes as far as we want it to. But, I have to start making some phone calls. Not tonight. Tomorrow.
I also think I'm getting sick. I had a fever at work and was incredibly dizzy. I have to get up to take a shower in the morning so I better go. But, so's life, and fight club really, truly rocks.
Friday, September 8, 2000 10:40 p.m.
I hate trucks.
No.
Thursday, September 7, 2000 11:09 p.m.
School is giving me ulcers and it's the second day. Fuck. I let it get to me too much. I put too much on myself, bite off more than I can chew. Things would be better if I had all my ideal classes right away, but I feel like two are just floating around me.
Oh well, I'm still getting fed and to sleep on time. I don't know what's going to happen to me in another week, but for now, i'm ok.
I hate the inventor of AP, by the way.
Talisman is still going a lot better than I expected. Emily is dumb, but I think she's willing to work for the paper this year. I could be wrong. But also, she only has 3 other friends in the class so she isn't going to be as cliquey as she could be. Yay.
What else... My parents were happy to see rachel today. They didn't know she was back at ballard.
I didn't have any coffee today, and when I was shaking and nearly crying in my room I figured that might have been why. I really think I need to stop drinking coffee so regularly. I think I'm mentally addicted to it. Which is silly. I mean, 4 shots should /not/ be unhealthy. 8 shots yes. But the fact that that's $6-8 right there every day on coffee, yipes. ... But... it's ... so... good.
Don't worry, I'll get a latte in the morning and everything will be fine.
Wednesday, September 6, 2000 11:28 p.m.
I feel so damn old now. But I've got a lot to learn...
Tuesday, September 5, 2000 11:31 p.m.
alright. two movies later I feel better. A little. I have to go to sleep soon, even though I just woke up, so that I can get up at... 6:30? I hate all of you who have another luxurious month.
But. you will.
Tuesday, September 5, 2000 02:42 p.m.
I'm going to try really hard to go to the 4:45 show of f.m.j. at the varsity. Page me if you want to come (540.8673) but I'm going to do some stuff with emily and whatnot. Fuck. I hate this. I hate school.
I came home today and my mother started yelling at me and told me that I no longer love my grandmother which made me start crying right there. I also have to clean, my mom hasn't shopped for food since before I can remember, and I have to do laundry for tomorrow (it's already rumbling away.).
Today, the last day of summer ever for me as a high school student. Fuck yes I am going to sleep until 1:40 (and I set my alarm, mind you, I'm waking up early). I don't care what anybody says, today is my last day, I deserve the chance to do it my way.
Monday, September 4, 2000 11:52 p.m.
I can now safely saw I've seen:
Mountain Con
Sleater-Kinney
Alien Crime Syndicate
Voyager One
Ani DiFranco
Muder City Devils
Modest Mouse
and
Ben Harper
oy. and I'm tired about it too. goodnight.
Sunday, September 3, 2000 03:50 a.m.
Wow. I'm so proud of myself. Today at work I decided I should do something about all these movies I see, since I never want to actually talk about them, but they are an important part of my social life and also, part of me and my personality. So Voila! An infographic is born.
I'll always keep up my five most recent.
I'm worried about people that I shouldn't be worried about. I /do/ that. It's frustrating and distracting and bad.
I believe tomorrow I am going to bumbershoot with anna & rachel, which should be pretty fun.
I still have to check out movie times, however. Oh. dear. me. :).
Thursday, August 31, 2000 01:10 a.m.
So I had never been to the edgewater hotel before. Rosie never had either, but the "stevens" family was staying there til friday. The edgewater hotel has no pool. But the freaking beatles stayed there! I don't understand...
I don't want to get fired but I don't know if I still want to work. I want to not go back to school. ARGH. This sucks. I'm busy until further notice.
goobye.
Wednesday, August 30, 2000 01:08 p.m.
There are no such things as awkward, uncomfortable conversations. And I, of course, never have them.
*hanging up the phone* Wow. Emily is great. I can't wait to start a new year working with her.
We saw her last night at the movie and it was totally surreal.
These days I feel totally surreal.
I need some food.
Wednesday, August 30, 2000 01:58 a.m.
Where's my journal?
I just don't like writing here about me these days. I've gotten... subdued or something. I don't know what it is. I'm sure when school starts and I want to avoid homework I will be here every ten minutes, but for now, I cannot.
Evaporated
by Ben Folds
What I've kept with me
And what I've thrown away
And where the hell I've ended up
On this glary random day
Were the things I've really cared about
Just left along the way
For being too pent up and proud
Woke up way too late
Feeling hungover and old
And the sun was shining bright
And I walked barefoot down the road
Started thinking about my old man
Want to get into a car and go anywhere
Here I stand, sad and free
I can't cry, I can't see
What I've done
God, what have I done
Don't you know I'm numb, man?
I can't feel a thing at all
Now it's all smiles and business these days
I'm indifferent to the loss
I have faith that there's a soul somewhere
That's leading me around
I wonder if she knows
Which way is up and which is down
I poured my heart out
I poured my heart out
It evaporated ... see?
Blind man at a canyon's edge
Of a panoramic scene
Or maybe I'm a kite that's flying high and random
Dangling a string
Or slumped over in a vacant room
Head on a stranger's knee
I'm sure back home they think I've lost my mind
Tuesday, August 29, 2000 08:20 p.m.
My life hasn't been very public lately, has it? I don't think I want it to be particularly. The rents are back in town, and I feel like summer is completely over. I want to cry.
I've been spending a lot of time with rosie and it's been really good for me. She makes me feel a lot better about myself. It's also really great to have sleep overs and also to find stella when I wake up.
I think I'm getting sick because my schedule is totally fucked up. I haven't gone to sleep before 3 am once in 5 days.
I also feel terrible. It's fall now. I don't feel terrible becos it's fall, but rain always helps out the doldrums just a tad.
I need some coffee.
Friday, August 25, 2000 02:37 a.m.
Sounds become highly magnified at night. I suppose it's because it's quiet. Sometimes, I want to scream and hear it in the night's dark quiet, but I know that the sound would become like day again.
When I was little, there wasn't a lot of skyglow in seattle. I never noticed really until i was about 10. I get really sick in the winter, and when I get sick I have horrible coughing fits that I can't sleep through. I was also very scared of the dark. It was reassuring to wake up and see the clouds outside keeping the world light. I know we're fucked up for it, but I love coming home at 2 AM and being able to walk around in my backyard without having to look around for lights.
Nothing's gonna change my world.
I never rite about what I do.
Do you people come here to try to understand what I think?
Thursday, August 24, 2000 01:45 a.m.
hmm. I'm too tired to do this. Thinking bad. my cat is soooo cute.
Wednesday, August 23, 2000 01:27 a.m.
I think of two many things I want to say. Often I want to run to a store to buy a tape recorder, maybe then I will remember to say half of the things I think so I can write them down later.
Am I the only one that picks up on a mixed message? I thought of this when I saw a girl walk with a 6 pack back to her car tonight at the Ballard Market. She walked with that fear, the fear that I have too, the fear that most girls have. I'm afraid to walk alone at night. I'm afraid to be out by myself at night. I'm afraid to walk from my car to my front porch. I'm afraid of men. Horribly, terribly. Just terrified. And only at night. but think think I was (and as I ...sometimes... do), and realized that I was supposed to also feel the need to be protected by men. It's not a blatant stereotype anymore, but it's there... and I do it, even if I don't mean to or want to.
I was also thinking about what scott said, about friends and people he met... about how he does not have to return to hell ever again. And I do in 2 weeks. I have to be greatful for school. but it is a necessary evil.
I don't know what I'm going to do with myself now. i'm going to play with photoshop, i want to hide. I can't. I know it. I can't make a big deal of anything. I can just be confused.
I thought mashed potatoes would help.
Monday, August 21, 2000 02:15 a.m.
there. Now I feel better. I had a good day today. Even thought it was my mom's birthday and I could have been more stressed out than I was. And I just spent far too much time creating a new design, cos I was sick of Xed boxes, you know? I hope you like it. Maybe I'll actually write some news after the party tomorrow. Party.
