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Friday, February 11, 2000 11:41 p.m.
I feel guilty. i don't know why. I feel like I need to be telling people something but I have nothing to say. I don't knww what to think about myself tonight. I was very quiet and sad and stuff and it was bad. I may be just self-concious but I don't understand why not or what's going on? I just felt old and tired and weird and out of place even with Rosie who I never feel out of place with. I think I'm feeling out of place with myself. I haven't stayed up all night in a really long time and I really wanted to tonight but I couldn't because rosie couldn't stay the night and I can'keep myself awake all night. I'll probably work on my zine until 2 or 3 in the morning. I really want to get that done. I want to feel like i've accomplished something in the new mellenium. But that's just silly it doesn't make any sense to me because I've done lots. I had the best birthday party I've had so far, I've made myself a new purse, I've picked up photography again, I've made two webpages and I've put out two issues of my school newspaper! So why do I feel like I've just been sitting And doing nothing and I haven't been significant in any way to anyone. I know that isn't true either. UGH. It's very frustrating. And it's hard to explain. I feel mad and scared and kinda empty. Maybe when I'm happy I force myself to feel sad when I'm not just so remember what it feels like. But I don't want that. I want to go to a show tomorrow. I don't want to smell like cigarettes because I don't smoke them. I want to smell like weed cos it smells good. I wont say trippy anymore. I met too many people yesterday i brought back too many memories I thought about too much crap. I miss my old friends. I want to feel like I get what's going on. I had it all figured out for a while there but then I got all weird and I DON'T KNOW WHY. And I hate it! So if anyone has any suggestions, please email me . And make me feel better.
for a laugh, come back here Thursday, February 10, 2000 11:20 p.m.
Wow. Today was a weird and starnge day. I went to a differnt high school for a day. I went to Nathan Hale.
It was nice enough. Zoe was my tourguide and I went to each of her classes (in order: math, STAND magazine, independent study spanish III, Honors L.A., chemistry and U.S. History.). And they were very different than mine. It may have been the impression that I got from the building itself, but everything seemed very quiet and subdued. Which is good, because it's relaxing, but then again it's bad, because we don't have nap time.
One thing they have that we don't (asides from Thurston creek which is right outside the front door) is a break in between 2nd and 3rd period classes. Zoe was able to take me out to the luxury of peanut butter m&m's before class had started again. I was jealous. It was a perfect way to get over the knawing hunger most people get by second period.
Another thing I noticed that may seem kind of silly is the ratio of boys to boys. In Zoe's 6th period class, the ratio was practically 1:1 (15 boys to 16 girls, not including me). I thought this was interesting because at our school I have a ratio of (_to_) in my U.S. History class. And the boys didn't seem to make as many snyde remarks, either.
Also, Nathan Hale has brightly decorated hallways. That's right in, *blue*, and ... *red*, their school colors. This was a step up from the classy 90's color scheme that supports Blanchet more than Ballard when it comes to color schemes. Also, each person has a full-sized lockers. They also have designated class hallways. The freshman still manage to clog up the hallways though. I suppose there's no helping that.
Of course, there are some things that Ballard only wishes it had. How about a radio station? I'm sure you've all heard of C 89.5 fm, but did you know that Hale is the school that runs it? I personally thought it was a college station. I was struck dumb when I realized this was it. The kids there do an amazing job.
Another thing the Nathan Haleites have that we don't it their very own printing press. (whoop dee doo, I'm sure you're thinking) But they make many of the posters that we see at Ballard (i.e., the Nathan Hale Tribes Project Poster was designed and printed there, etc.)
There are some things that Ballard had that Hale didn't. Like new science lab technologies. We have high enough ceilings that Mr. Butler can comfortably light his hands on fire without worries of setting off the alarms.
We also have bells that beep instead of ring, carpeted rooms, and better lighting. We also have TVs in every room that are big enough to look at. All cosmetic features from the new school that I really came to appreciate today.
Erhm, that's all of that for now.
Then I came back to BHS, and worked on my Valentine's Day edition of the paper and got it done by deadline but THERE WAS NO TONER!!! I was PISSED OFF! (still am, kinda. That was the first time I ever missed a deadline for the paper) Rosie had left all of her stuff there, so I kept on thinking she was just in the other room (at 5pm.). It was weird.
So anyway, I was mad, so I treated myself to a mocha (with b52 flavor of course) and then I came home and made dinner and did a little bit of homework. People kept calling me or distracting me or paying me to housesit though. And I was having a "when can I drop out?" fit, too. Sometimes I wish I was uninformed. Then I wouldn't hate to be where I was so much. I really missed a lot of my classes today. I came to appreciate them a lot more. Oh gosh I'm trying to talk about my day. I digress, I digress.... I did some chemistry. I called Anna. I watched ER (thrilling conclusion! Is lucy going to die? I think she is.) Then I came down here and started to write this. Now I think I should go read some radical thinking from Noam Chomsky and flutter off into dreamland. Goodnight.
Wednesday, February 9, 2000 10:08 p.m.
Hiya. I am so glad rosie is not mad at me anymore. I had so much fun today with her (& jessie, and brian, the new guy. We went to Pudge Brothers Pizza and got free pizza from Kate (who works there, duh), and we sat and talked. Rosie got us sodas instead of buying cigarettes, which made brian & me happy. But then she bummed one off some guy outside winchell's donuts. She had a donut and decided it was terrible, and then we drove Jessie home, and I went over to Rosie's house for awhile and we sat on her bed and talked. She kept on saying things like, "I'm not fat!" and "I like myself!" and I'm pretty sure she meant it too. Which makes me so happy. It makes me feel better to hear someone compliment themselves than even complimenting me. It's a lot harder to compliment yourself, you know?
I tried to pressure brian into eating chocolate but it did not work out.
I also printed a photo today of my chemistry teacher lighting his hands on fire. I love the darkroom. I love everything about it. It's really nice, because it's new. It's dark, and it seems like it should be quiet, but everyone's always loud. We make jokes and they seem funnier in the darkroom. People do drugs and make out in the darkroom. It's great. Everybody should have a high school darkroom.
Before I went out to pizza, I took pictures of the "French Club" at West Woodland Elementary School. I mostly stayed in the room of little kids (6-8 years old) because they are SO CUTE! The 4th and 5th graders try to be your friends, and be all cool and crap. And I see the kids who sit in the corner and are all quiet, and I say to myself, "Shit, there's a little me." In 1st grade, that hasn't really happened yet. The pictures will be great, and I will persuade my parents to get them on disk so on the internet they can be. (no names, and NO STALKING ALLOWED!!)
Another thing that happened today (a lot happened today), was our Zinn discussion. Howard Zinn (if you don't already know) writes revisionist history, and our AP US history class is reading his US textbook. It's *hella* good yo. Anyway, we totolly digressed from the book and started talking about high school and how it ties into society, and it was basically an UNCOOL discussion at school. And it KICKED ASS! I didn't want to leave that class. Of course. I want to fix the education system so bad. It is my goal in life. Seriously. hahahahahaha....
My friends kept on mentioning rachel today, the girl that I talked with on the phone yesterday, and I kept on thinking they hung out with her previously that day. (how's that for a run-on?) It made me miss her even more than I already do. I really want to see her now.
The week is almost over. Tomorrow I'm going to a different school than usual. I am going to get just as little sleep because I have to do layout for 5 pages of this valentine's day issue of our paper. gerrness. Oh well. Wish me luck.
Tuesday, February 8, 2000 05:35 p.m.
bah. i wasn't in a very good mood today, so my apologies to anyone I may have offended while scoffing or other insundry things. I don't really have anything to thoughtful to say.
I developed 2 rolls of film today and I am pleased to say that they actually turned out and look good even though it took me 1 hr 1/2 to do a 30-40 min. job. I felt old while I was doing it. Well, the photo room was being used as a detention cell while I was loading my film and it was *silent*. Normally it's all a bustle with crazy people doing crazy things, but today no one spoke. It made me really nervous. My palms got all sweaty and everything. And ms. oneill seemed all concerned that I couldn't load the film. I can do it, I just forgot, seriously. And there were pictures of eva (our lovely foreign exchange student whose leaving! sob!) that I didn't want ruined so I was being a total perfectionist. So there. There was a reason why I took so long.
I've been thinking a lot about what my Uncle said to me on sunday. He's much more brutally honest about things than I am. We started talking about a guy that had found a new love interest recently, and I said that I didn't like her because she was kind of making things awkward in his family and in our circle of friends. He got all mad at me, telling me that I was the world's biggest hypocrite and that I always talk about people passing judgement, but I do so often it's sad.
I got so upset I almost cried. I knew it was not that big of a deal to him, but it really upset me. I've been thinking about it for 2 days now, and the only conclusion i've come up with is that he's right. Which sucks royally but at least I've come into some awareness of that. I mean, I did it to Rosie on saturday, even though she had done something that was similar the weekend before that had had a horrible effect on me. I was being very inconsiderate and stupid. My uncle made me feel like I was very stupid.
So if I pass judgement, which I probably will because it's in my blood, you can feel free to slap me. I don't want to try to get to know people to understand their side or whatever, but if I can't handle doing that than I shouldn't berate them either. I don't know what's going on in their life. I shouldn't be like that. I'm going to try really hard not to. But if I don't like you, you may have a new best friend on your hands. Only for a little while, though.
"Keep your friends close and your enimies closer"
-- cruel intentions
if I had 2 lattes, I can make it here Monday, February 7, 2000 10:08 p.m.
I had four shots of espresso today. It didn't really make me feel very good, but it kinda numbed this guilt type feeling I have.
It's all weird between me & Rosie now. I kinda think I'm hallucinating, but since we had our first "fight" it's been strange. I feel all whiney and stupid talking about it on my *web page* over my *latte* with money in my back pocket. Oo, Anne can't deal with her friends, I feel so bad for her. Please, don't feel bad for me. I don't deserve to feel like I can be not-friends with one person for awhile and not have the world come to an end. The world is very very sad. But not over.
We didn't watch a video in L.A. today, so that was a step up in life. And in chemistry we learned we had been right on Saturday, acetate (an ingredient in nail polish) makes styrofoam melt. Yippee. Mr. Butler was excited, anyway. I know my excitement was suppressed.
After a break, I'm missing Rachel. I want her back from the sunny sands of san diego, it's true. I even fixed the html so this page works for her now.
I don't really know what to say. I should probably just stop.
I hope tomorrow isn't as long as today was.
Sunday, February 6, 2000 02:24 p.m.
Sometimes I forget that rule, "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." Because even if I'm being honest with someone, that doesn't mean I have to publicly berate them. yes? I hope so.
That's why my entry from last night was deleted.
Today is my grandmother's birthday. We're going to take her out to Italian food and mom made her a chocolate cake for dessert. So I'm about to leave and really need to get dressed. I just felt obligated to let the world know how my life was going.
I had a pretty good weekend, I'm sorry I have to go back to school, and except for last night there was no timult in my social life. It was a quiet weekend. I worked on my zine a bit. I wrote a story on friday but I haven't had time to type it up.
It's just one of those days. Do the grocery shopping, come home, do history homework, go out to mormor's. We do this every Sunday. So It's kind of relaxing in a way. I'm probably going to miss Felicity (sorry to all of you that thought I hadn't fallen to the mass-media, warp-the-mind-of-teens tv shows), but I'll be happy because my gramma will hug me and kiss me and always take my side in an argument. So maybe the sun isn't shining but it still feels good to be doing something I love.
The chit chat empire Friday, February 4, 2000 10:00 p.m.
Hola. I started this post about 45 minutes ago, wrote about a page, and then hit control a and some random letter on the keyboard. Let’s say n for all intents and purposes. So I got mad and wasted my time on the world’s most boring site, where you click on a tree 80,0000,0000,0000 times to try & win $25000. Needless to say, I didn’t win too many.
I had explained in my previous post that today was a good day. I enjoyed happy classes, no stress, took a long lunch, and happily enjoyed French class. Yes I did. I also ate soup and Chinese food, and coffee. And I made plans for the weekend which look to be prospering. And I worked on my zine and I got ICQ (#: 63333480). How could she possibly do it all in one day, you ask? I do, and I do it well.
I want rosé to stop beating herself up.
All my friends are at a party right now, and while I miss having one of them to talk to, It’s not so bad that I’m missing out. I really liked dinner. I just hope graham had a good time going to the BHS basketball game with his friend. I wouldn’t have but that’s a different story.
Yes, I had a good day. Surprised are we? It happens on occasion. Really. And it makes me smile. Today wasn’t even one of those days that it’s awesome and you can’t stop talking, today was just one of those days that made my heart smile. It was sunny too. In seattle. I know.
Is there any point I’m missing? I LOVE YOU WORLD!! Oh yeah. And happy birthday Jessie, no matter how gracious you were being about party invites….
Chelsea's beautiful prose Thursday, February 3, 2000 11:20 p.m.
Ok, so we all went and ate and had a good time and we talked a lot. I'm glad my friends feel comfortable enough around my mom to talk about drugs or whatever they feel the need to talk about (I mean, today it was about cigarettes mostly but that's a drug, right?)I'm really glad. I wish they would tell these things to their own parents but happen... never it would. Oh well. I have to settle with the fact that my parents can act as honorary parents. But I like that.
I'm meeting up with an old friend right now and it's making me sooooo happy. I need so much new right now it's making me sick. I don't want to deal. I want to just go. Have fun, be crazy without having to do stuff I don't want to do. So maybe Chelsea will be able to do that. We can rant about how much we hate high school. Because I know my friends know what I do. Maybe I can educate her in the ways in which high school warps the minds of its students, and they just sit back & relax because they think it's their problem. Sigh.
Anna is kind of worried about the whole Rachel fiasco post to UNCOOL thing (don't know what I'm talking about? Join UNCOOL ) and I'm glad she is because I'm not. I don't know what to say to Rachel. I've exhausted my mental resources. I've shot my wad. And oh my god I have to go to sleep! whoops. Good night.
Thursday, February 3, 2000 04:28 p.m.
honesty. Best policy? Who knows. am I mad right now? I don't think I am. I'm frustrated. I want my mother to not be mad at me. Oh well. She is.
It's almost friday, I have that to look forward to. I'm going to chocolate for choice. Yummy chocolateness. And prochoice propoganda! yay!
la la la. Life is not it's peak but it's doing a semi good job of getting better. I think people are beginning to understand my honesty policy. And I am going to try to stop whining too much (whoops, there goes my pitas page) and I am going to try to not be cynical all the time. I am going to stay straight edge. I am going to be annoying to my friends who smoke or drink (whoops, there go all my friends), I will try to work harder at doing the things I love before the things I hate. I will. Honest. Honest honest honest. I don't think it's much better than a lie but maybe it stings for awhile and then goes away, unlike lies that last forever. You can't change yourself because of a lie someone said about you. But you can change what someone would honestly say about you.
... Wednesday, February 2, 2000 04:36 p.m.
I just posted to uncool so I'm kinda in a bad mood (I get riled up about things). Anyway. Today. Today was a day I went to school. I went to all six periods. I brought my camera. I was ashamed of my language arts class. (just because it says arts in the title doesn't mean you have to show us a movie every day).
I know now why my friends in "regular" classes are so unmotivated. Well duh, if no one cares wether or not you pass (because they don't expect you to), you're not going to be motivated. I'm not motivated in that class already, and it's my second day!
I'm exasperated with my friends. I don't want to talk to them right now. I don't feel like I belong with them, with anyone. I think I *want* to be alone for awhile but then again I don't. What I really want is new. Something new, different, or maybe old but different. I'm tired of the same thing, over and over. Rachel comes in every day during 5th period. That was exciting, it was a thrill to see her before, when she came every once in a while but now she's up here all the time. And it's not the same. It's not special to see her, its annoying. I don't like that. I don't want that. I want to be happy. I'm not. I'm a whiney brat faced teenager tho, what should I expect? I'm just antsy. I think. I hope this will be over soon. I need to do some more homework.
Tuesday, February 1, 2000 10:43 p.m.
Oy. Well yeah. I'm back. I'm rambling now. In a beautiful way. Today was a... day. I still feel pretty crappy from last weekend cos it was kind of a disaster. I don't think anyone thinks that cos I pretend like I don't like school or I don't like this or that when it's actually the person I'm acompanying that I don't really like.
See I came to the gross conclusion today that my friends are just as cliquey as I want them not to be. They're all obsessed with "being different" which is the EXACT SAME THING as being the same if everyone is doing that. I'm not a big differenter. I like doing what I want, not what I think I should want because I'm young or wild or what the freak ever. And I'm sick of it. Again.
but where am I supposed to go? Am I supposed to be running away to my "old" friends? Ones I swore to myself I'd never crawl back to? I just want to find people that it's ok if I only hang out with one of them at a time and it's not about being selfish or wanting to make out with that person. It's about having a friend, not a bunch of losers who sit around and whine a lot, and then get high. Whoopee. That's just not my thing. I guess that insults some people.
I love my parents. I wish everyone's parents could be as cool as mine. The world would be a much nicer place.
I guess that's all for tonite.
go here when yer done Tuesday, February 1, 2000 03:02 p.m.
Hola. I fell to the power of pita. Pita. Like pita bread. hmm. interesting.
the real reason I signed up for this silly thing is becos I've turned a new leaf in life and I want to be honest to people about everything, and not hide anything in a little book. So yeah, this will be my journal that anyone can read (oo scary), and it will be completely honest, and probably scandalous. But I'm sick of pretending and going throught the same cycles of immaturity. Basically, this is a page where my friends can find out if I'm mad at them or not. yes!!
And this stuff is all going in my real journal too. So feel special kids.
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